Life is hard

Strangely enough, that is the first sentence in the book I am busy reading (mentioned in a previous post). It feels as if my whole world wants to crumble around me.

So there was this incident at church on Sunday. A nice excuse to not attend for a while. But that would be a lie if I use it as a reason. There is also the issue of my music. Yesterday, for the thrid/fourth month in a row, I did not attend practice. Yes, I had just landed, I took an earlier flight so I could attend, but when it was time to go I just did not feel like going. So I did not go.

And of course I feel very bad. It has been more than a year since my first audition, during which time I scraped through as a bass guitarist. My second audition went just as badly. Why, I do not know. I used to love performing on stage. But butterflies got the better of me on both occasions. My timing was terrible, and songs I aced at home during practice, I very neatly stuffed up. But those were just the auditions.

I enjoyed attending the practice sessions. Playing with other musicians is very different to rehearsing at home. To cut a long story short, I do not know what I should do. How can I be rostered on for regular weekend duty when I travel so much. Valentine's Day is the next practice, the exact time I will have landed in Bangkok again. So I miss another month. I will be away the whole of March, and who knows when I will be going to Japan in April?

So, there you have good excuses for me to quit. And all I can think of is "The difference between failure and success is time". Do I really want to quit? Do I really want to be known as a quitter? How can I go back to church, and face all the other musicians, knowing that I just did not have the cahooneys to stick through this tough time?

And there-in lies the conundrum: No need to tell me what I should do. That I know very well. But sometimes I feel that it all becomes too much.

You know, a few months ago I would never have written thoughts like this for public viewing. But perhaps this is what I need to do. Face my demons, make my weaknesses public, and deal with them.

The road to success is not easy. Life is most definitely hard. But should I succumb to instant gratification, knowing very well that it is exactly what the enemy wants? Do I bow out of music and spiritual life for the second time in tthirteen years, just because it is too hard?

Will I be granted another chance if I bow out again? At least I have an answer for that one - God is gracious, and He will always love me, whatever I do. But He desires all of us to re-establish that special bond. The bond that was lost due to original sin.

I think I am now just rambling. But it does help to clear my head.

Have a good day, everyone.